serendipity.

i opened my blog and sat down to try and write something. anything. but, i couldn't really think of anything to type... i am blessed with the opportunity this summer to intern with Nations Outfitters and it has been SO MUCH FUN. well, one of my jobs for them is to blog... so, for a small update on what is going on in my heart... click the link! 

 http://changingseasonsnations.blogspot.com/2012/06/serendipity.html

abc.

a failure.

i am, basically, done with college in 2 days. i dont technically graduate till august, but my time here in auburn is done in 2 days. when i think back to THIS time, it is crazy that i am sitting here talking about actually being done.

i remember SO distinctly this one day sophomore year... i was at southern union and had just talked with some of my friends up at Wofford. they were telling me about a super fun night they had had a few nights before and how they missed me and wished i could have been there. then i went back to that HORRIBLE place, Cambridge (my first apt), and lost it. i cried and cried and cried. i mean, snot-nosed, fetal position, wailing type of cry. and i will never forget thinking 'no one here misses me. no one here even really knows im here. and if they do, unless they've had to leave a school and group of friends that they love, they will never be able to understand what is going on in my life. i am NEVER going to get out of here....' i remember it like it was yesterday.

and now... im here. im done. im leaving.

but... thats where the conflict inside sets in.

my whole life i have longed for this day to get here. i never have to do school again! i finally get to move on to what i have wanted to do my whole life! and i never have to take an pointless tests or do stupid projects or anything ever. again.

this point of my life though is not how i pictured it....

no one thinks of graduating college and then.... moving back home.

[now before i go any further, i want to be very clear on this - i only think this way in terms of me. i have a number of friends... MANY... who, after graduation moved back home. i think that is AWESOME for them. but this whole post is in terms of me, and strictly me. so please dont anyone read into anything or assume that i am speaking indirectly to people. im not. i am talking strictly in terms of me.]

my whole life i have dreamed about getting done with college so that i could finally be free to do whatever it is i wanted to do. if i wanted to be a movie star, i could. if i wanted to start a free camp for inner-city kids to come to and possibly board at, i could. if i wanted to move to India to labor among the Hindi there, i could. if i wanted to get married, i could. if i wanted to move to New York and pursue my obsession with all things hair, makeup, and fashion, then i could. but im finally to this idolized point in my life and i am doing none of those. i am simply moving back home.
and to me, i see myself as a failure.

in my eyes, i have let myself down. i have not made the most of my life. i have settled and copped-out and not been able to make it on my own.

i love my home. i absolutely adore my parents and each of my siblings. i want to be near home so i can be everyones favorite aunt. i want to KNOW my siblings and what is going on in their lives. i want to have my parents near me so that they can continue teaching me, guiding me, and pouring into me in all the incredible ways that they have. NONE of this has anything to do with my physical, biological, actual home. my home is literally my favorite place in this entire world. i could talk all day about the sounds i couldn't live without, the smell of it, the peace i feel the second i walk in the door, the life that those walls have seen... i could literally write for FOREVER about how much i love my home and how much i love being home.

i dont want to move back home because i dont want to move back to birmingham. i dont want to move back to the pressures that are at home. i dont want to move back somewhere that i feel constantly watched. always scrutinized under a magnifying glass. i dont want to move back to birmingham because there is SO MUCH PRESSURE. not from my family, but from what i like to call "the stands". you know... the people that sit in the stands at sporting events and every person that walks by they have a comment about? thats what birmingham is to me. me on a playing field and a multitude of "stands" around me, silently commenting on my every move.

so when i say "home" i mean birmingham, not my home.

that all being said, when you are a college graduate there is a MASSIVE difference in going at home and moving home.

this weekend, i went home. tuesday, i move home.

what happened to my dreams? what happened to taking the world by storm the second i get my degree? what happened to changing and saving lives? what happened to taking the Gospel to the people that have almost NO MEANS OF HEARING IT?! what happened? how did i get here?

did i misread part of Gods plan? did i make a wrong decision? where did i go wrong? where did i screw something up? where did i start messing up how awesome my life was supposed to be?

...isnt satan good at feeding lies?

this whole semester those feelings have been pushed down, ignored, deflected... and i finally decided to face them. why do i feel that way? i know its not true, so why am i believing them?

as i have tried to sort through all of this and why i am feeling this way, it has been almost funny. almost.

there is this sermon that Tim Keller preached called "The Blessed Self-Forgetfulness". if you have never listened to it- stop reading. RIGHT NOW. and go listen to it. it WILL change your walk with the Lord.

anyways, in it he askes (my paraphrasing) why when we close our eyes to imagine, that we only image things for ourselves in the way that glorifies our own selves the most... and its true. if yall got inside my head when i day dreamed... oh. my. gosh.

i save the world, i cure cancer, i adopt every orphan in the entire world, i am a famous movie star that is an amazing role model for girls all over the globe that has time to radically change the fashion industry in just 1 week....

those aren't really what i want to do. obviously. but i have always had this weird but VERY consistent and urging feeling that the Lord has something strangely perfect in store for me... but what i have realized is that i had began to idolize that feeling into a worldly understanding. I began thinking of that strangely perfect things in tangible terms instead of kingdom terms. i realized that i  want to go do big great things because i want people to think highly of me. i want people to think 'wow, she is doing big things! her family must be so proud!'. approval of man instead of God. why, abby, are you letting something as fleeting as a human dictate your joy?

and i have seen so. much. sin. in my thinking.

i KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has me at home this summer... and probably this fall. i know that the Lord has so much in store to teach me. i know that i have already learned so much about humility and i am sure there is alot more on that subject to come. i KNOW that the Lord is for me and that he has plans of a HOPE and of a FUTURE!

i had allowed satan to feed me lies for too long. i allowed him to seep in and train my brain to think failure. failure. failure. you are nothing but a failure. HDFS? whats that? thats not a doctor. thats not a teacher. thats not even a a real major. thats just a stupid MRS degree that you dont even want. failure. you are nothing but a failure.

well, im done. im done allowing him to tell me that. im done being manipulated and i am done allowing myself to think that my Heavenly Father does not have a GOOD and PERFECT plan for my life.

will it be a fight? hell yes. it might be that i have to wake up every morning this summer and pound my head into my pillow and yell - GOD. IS. FOR. YOU. - but if so, then thats what ill do.

that blog post i referenced at the beginning is EXACTLY why i started blogging. because in that post, these were my same thoughts. people are going to think that i couldn't handle being that far from home, people are going to think that i couldn't make it at Wofford... mans approval... i have failed.

what i have learned from when i wrote all that till now is that God is faithful. there has yet to be a time in my life where i faced something hard and did not see the Lord use it for good. there has never. not once. been a time in my life when i could have questioned the Lords sovereignty.

so. to satan, to the silent commentators, to the pressures that i feel from the birmingham world, screw you.

like many of my posts end, i am fighting for joy during this time. i am choosing to fix my eyes on Jesus and his promises and begging Him to not allow my heart to wander.

i am SO looking forward to spending all this time with my two knuckle-heads of little brothers, i am pumped about getting alot of time with my niece and nephew, i am so excited about being around my parents wisdom for a solid 3 more months at the least, i am SO PUMPED to intern with Nations Outfitters and get to work under a woman as wise, godly, and driven as Mrs. Lisa-Ann, i am excited to be near Lindsey and Colby and learn from their marriage, I am excited about the possibility of going to visit Will, Christine and Baby Cunningham as they start the next chapter of their lives, I am really excited about finally being in the same city as Jake... I am genuinely excited about alot of things. and i am fianally at peace about moving back to birmingham. and i am so looking forward to all that the Lord will teach me....

"My foes are many
They rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always

Trouble surrounds me
Chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war
I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way
My help is on the way

I lift my eyes up
My help comes from the Lord"
      -Always , Passion City Band

abc.

QOTW.

i hope this is what all my nieces, nephews, kids, and grandkids say about me.

abc.

IM SO EXCITED.

this is what i feel like doing.

right now.

in the middle of the silent floor of the library.

so today has been..... AWESOME.

-i found out i will indeed, pass college!!!!!! i got a 73 on my Econ test and no, you do not have ANY idea what a massive deal this is.

- i have completely finished my 25 page paper for "my favorite class ever"

- i have also completely finished my MASSIVE life-folio, also for "my favorite class ever"

- i am done with MASSIVE project that i have for another class tomorrow that was A COMPLETE waste of time

- i get to see Jake in 10 days

- today was my LAST MONDAY OF SCHOOL EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

- and THIS is the biggest news of all, but im not sure if i am at liberty to disclose it yet, so i'll just keep you on the edge of your seat.

hope your Monday is this much of a funday!

abc.

no more pizza.

so for a long time now i have known that i am scatterbrained. im not a planner, which always keeps life interesting and fun, but also makes life stressful at times because i forget stuff ALL. THE. TIME.

i've been praying that the Lord would teach me discipline for a long time.... and i haven't seen that happen. but then i realized. just because i ask for cake doesn't mean im going to get it. if i really want it, sometimes you have to bake it. actually, usually you have to make it! unless its your birthday but that only happens once a year- so for analogies sake.. well that works perfect. sometimes you can pray for something and it will simply, happen. but alot of times, you have to pray for something but also do your part.

with the start of a new month i decided for the start to some lifestyle changes. this should be interesting...

i've been thinking about this since about mid-march. and so i started last week because i knew i couldn't just start everything yesterday.

i cleaned my car! trunk and all. now, if you have ever ridden in my car then you will understand what a big deal this is. and by clean i mean i vacuumed, scrubbed, threw away, dusted, washed, waxed, air-freshened and all!

i rearranged my room and then cleaned it and the bathroom. vacuumed, scrubbed, folded, hung, and more.

then i finished off all my bad-for-you food and cleaned out my parts of the fridge.

so when April 1st rolled around i was able to start the month with a clean car, clean room, and a fridge of healthy, yummy looking food!

my goal for the month is to keep this up. i want to be disciplined, so i am setting up my life to make myself accountable! we'll see how this goes....

my goal is to keep a clean car, clean room, eat paleo, and meet with the Lord in some way every day for the month of April. They say it only takes 21 days to make a habit... the way i see it, that gives me 10 extra days to make things concrete! i have a list taped to my mirror to be reminded every day. asking myself 6 simple things:

have i prayed, quite timed, exercised, ROAK-ed, eaten healthy, and laughed. simple enough, right?

dont misunderstand me though. as lofty as this whole thing is... i've already screwed up! i got up to eat breakfast and i saw the eggs and thought 'thats what you should eat' then i looked down a shelf and saw a mellow mushroom pizza box that i SWEAR had a halo around it. so i ate the pizza. I ATE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST! ON DAY 2!!! but no worries. dinner was pecan crusted chicken and baked asparagus! heres to hoping tomorrow morning will be a win.

abc.

QOTW.

abc.

QOTW.

amen.

abc.

monday funday.

summary of yesterday?

perfect. peaceful. needed. fun. relaxing. funny. nostalgic. deep. adventurous. really needed. memorable. encouraging. worshipful. awesome. good. did i say perfect?

so my great friend texted me sunday night and simply said: "Horses and kayaking are a must. maybe fishing. bring your camera, jeans, and a swimsuit. and your party pants. ill pick you up at 11:15..." i mean, is there a sentence out there that sounds more awesome?! i think not.

this is how the day got started...

we kayaked all down House Creek and met quite an interesting man. we could tell you his entire life story, literally, but couldn't give you his name.

i mean, it really doesn't get any more beautiful.

then a little more exploring...

then some breath-takingly beautiful dirt roads..

and a mesmerizing field...

and then.... i got to ride sweet June. OH MY GOODNESS it was so much fun.

and then... i sat on their fence.... and it broke.

and this is how the day ended...

i am one happy girl and feeling so blessed by all the amazing people i have surrounding me.

abc.

restarting.

today is the first day i have felt like blogging since before Christmas conference...

i have about 3 months of stuff in my head/heart so it should be interesting to see how this all comes out. i have been forcing myself to blog, but none are ok to post because they are a little too personal.. and by little i mean WAY.

as i have talked with older people about my life recently, they have ALL said the same thing and let me tell you something.... IT PISSES ME OFF. every. single. older. person. i have talked to says in some form or fashion 'Oh dont stress about that! stop worrying! the Lord will make it all clear to you!' in which i want to say...

ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN!??!!!?! how bout you think back to when you had 5 weeks left in college and had NO FREAKING CLUE what you wanted to do with you life... how did you feel? did you feel calm? did you feel at peace? did you feel worry free? ya. thats what i thought. so why the hell are you telling me to 'not worry about anything'?!

instead i just do the mature thing and laugh and say 'oh i know...' when really i want to punch them in the face.

these past 3 months have been a huge ball of blaudgalkdsjf. i am stressed. i am so confused. i feel like i am looking for one freaking mustard seed in the pacific ocean. i am anxious. i am exhausted. and i am not trusting the Lord at all because i feel like i have nothing to trust.

i think that the past 3 months, the Lord has been turning the heat up and i have maintained by boil-overs thus far, but in the past 4 days i have had a constant boil over that has been uncontrollable haha and i am very certain the Lord intended me to have them at this very time.

i went to dinner last night with a younger girl that means so much to me. i've done a biblestudy with her and some other girls before and it has been so neat seeing her grow as much as she has in the past year. when we sat down last night she just vented about how confused with life she is right now. she asked me questions like How do you discern Gods will for you life? How do you figure out what you are supposed to do with your life? When people tell you 'well just get in the word and the Lord will reveal his purpose' what does that even mean? How do you really study the Word? and the questions went on and on and on... and i just sat there, half wanting to cry and half wanting to burst into laughter because i am asking myself those same exact questions.

what is Gods will for my life?

how do i figure out how to do what i love, do what i am good at, and do what God has for me? and how do all those mesh into one THING?

am i really in Gods will right now?

i keep going to the Word for answers, but i leave more confused. is there a right and wrong way to study the Word?

and on and on and on....

but as i began to talk with her and tell her about everything i have been going through recently, show her scripture that i have read recently, and laugh about the way we think... i realized that without even knowing it- the Lord has been giving me answers. the Lord has been comforting me. the Lord has been guiding me.

i have been so blinded by my desire to figure it out, that i havent been able to see the Lord unfolding his will right before my eyes. that being said, i still dont agree with EVERYONE who keeps saying be calm, dont worry, Gods got it... God gave us emotions and i have every intention of using them. this is not a calm/worry free time of life. BUT to lose sight of faith in my worrying is where i have gone wrong.

i have been SO consumed with worrying that i had begun to just give up. i had almost gotten the point of - screw it. im just gonna do whatever the heck i want. instead of saying -

Lord i am FREAKING OUT. but i bet Noah was freaking out when you told him to build an ark when there was no rain. and i bet Jonah was freaking out when he was sitting in the belly of whale. and i bet Joseph was freaking out when he had to go to the King and interpret his dreams and then help run a country. and i bet Daniel was freaking out when thrown into a lions den. and i bet Ruth was freaking out when she chose to stay with Naomi even though she really had no reason to. and i bet Mary was freaking out when you told her that she, as a virgin, was going to conceive a child. and i bet that Mary Magdalen was freaking out when she came to mourn over you and you were not in the tomb. and, if we're being honest, i bet you were freaking out when your own father commanded you to lay your life down on that cross. so here i am- laying down my desires on my own cross and begging you to show me what it is you have for me in this short life.

i was re-reading THIS and was reminded of alot of truths i have become numb and blind to... i HATE the idea of limitation. i hate thinking that i cannot do something because someone told me i cant. i hate thinking that there are parts of living that i wont get to experience because someone told me i cant or because its not ok for me to do. really. i HATE that.

but i had lost sight of the TRUTH and the FREEDOM that the Lord is giving me. i had began to see certain aspects of my family, of my friends, of certain relationships, and of my own self as boxing me in and keeping me from things. and i have been angry. REALLY angry. and when the Lord finally turned the heat all the way up over spring break (which btw was THE GREATEST SPRING BREAK EVER!!!!!!! hands. down. AMAZING! blog about that to come soon!) anyways.. when the Lord really broke me over spring break, i came back and realized how desperately i need to go back to square 1 and restart.

i need to go back to what i know. i need to go back to the posts that make up that fence of freedom. i have to preach to myself every morning that God is GOOD. that God is sovereign. that God is faithful, my rock, in control, here for my good, and merciful, loving, gracious, and forgiving. now what of all that sounds confining? none. but i have to get my heart back to believing those truths.

... music is always what helps me the most. usually not christian music, because i honestly think 'christian music' is annoying, predictable, and cheesy. (and sung by people with NO sense of style) HOWEVER, this song has been on repeat the past week and the words are applicable to someone going through a transition like i am, or something as serious as death. and what they say in this video is what i feel like the Lord has recently done in my heart...

Every week I hear a story of a miracle

And if I’m honest I’m tired of seeing none at all

I don’t need to see a dead man come alive

All I want is you to fill me up inside

I need You Lord

Even more than the air I breathe

I need You Lord

Right away

I need You Lord

Every minute of every day

I need You Lord

Right away

Today I’m asking for a miracle

Anything you got God big or small

I don’t need to see the cancer go away

All that I want is to know that it will be ok

I need you I need you

abc.